Finding My Fairytale
by A.E.Cullen
Summary: Edward left Bella at the begining of New moon but instead of leaving town,all the Cullens stayed and invinted the Denali Clan over.Bella's past is altered and it comes back with magic,surpises,friendship and love helping her in finding her fairytale.
1. The castle crumbling

**Hello. I just wanted to make some points clear about this story before you continue:**

**1. This is a story where Bella's past is dramatically altered and a few new original characters will be introduced.**

**2. This story is partially a supernatural story as there may be new powers and original situations. You have to be very open minded in that aspect as many powers including Bella's might be changed.**

**3. The Cullen children are all seniors at high school.**

**4. Jacob never existed in Twilight or the beginning of New Moon. He isn't Billy's son, nor does he lives in Forks. He is part of Bella's past that will be explained later on.**

**5. I have the entire story planned out so when I give little clues or when I don't explain everything is because it would be explained in the future.**

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all of its characters and plot all belong to the amazing Stephanie Meyer nothing belongs to me but my plot (except the parts were I burrow SM Plot) and the original characters that will be introduced in the future.**

**Please enjoy: D**

He didn't love me anymore.

I could feel it in his eyes the way he looked at me. In his touch, his fake smile, he won't even kiss me. He became so distant; I couldn't believe this is the way it will all end.

He has just dropped me off at my house. He said he won't be back tonight and to lock my window.

I could feel the end approaching; he got sick of me. I knew it- I think I always knew- I just never admitted it to myself. How could he love someone like me anyway?

I'm an ugly, useless, insignificant human compared to his magnificent presence.

I made the mistake of believing in fairy tales, but life isn't like that.

I sat on my bed, numb and unmoving.

I couldn't even cry; I felt as if there is a huge block of cement crushing my chest preventing me from even having the luxury of breathing.

I tried to think around the haze that was starting to fill my mind- trying to discover when it all went down...

I should have noticed before. I know it was all my fault for not being worthy of him but there must have been something I could have done something to prevent it. It all started last week after my disastrous eighteenth birthday when Jasper attacked me. After Carlisle fixed my arm he dropped me off at my house. He gave me a kiss I doubt I will ever forget- it was full of unbridled passion but with a desperate edge that scared me to death; Edward never crossed boundaries like that… I didn't know if I should be delighted or frightened.

That was last Friday, the last week he have been so distant, so away, so… cold. He acted supposedly normal but he couldn't fool me. I felt the coldness in his stare the way he wouldn't attempt to hold my hand in class like he used too. He casually turned his face when I would try to kiss him; his voice no longer held that tender velvet quality that had me head over heels the first time it so gracefully fell on my ears.

I think that he is trying to make it a smooth transaction for me so when he dumps me I won't take it too hard.

I didn't break down- not yet anyway. I didn't know how but maybe it is because I still have hope that he was just going through a phase and it had nothing to do with me- that maybe tomorrow all the dark clouds will disappear letting the warm sun rays warm my skin.

Like his smile always did to my heart.

I just didn't understand. This past summer was magical; I was among the clouds, the way I felt his love radiating from his every look, his every action directed at me. It was breathtaking.

The words "I love him more than life" never were more truthful.

On my birthday the love in his voice when he wished me a happy birthday stunned me into a high of happiness- one that before meeting him I wasn't aware I could experience.

I kept wondering how someone could forget all about that in just one week. How can he stop loving me just like that? What did I do wrong except being me? Was he scared for my life or was he disgusted that I couldn't even pass one night without being clumsy me and causing so much physiological pain for Jasper?

Or was it because I wasn't and would never be strong enough to defend myself- at least as long as I remain human.

The only logical explanation is that he never really loved me.

Maybe it was all a beautiful idea- that he fell in love with but it was never me. I think what made him finally realize this was when with just a paper cut I ruined everything. He realized how different we are and he won't bother with trying hard to make it work because simply I am not worth it. The kiss with the desperate edge… He was trying to find something. He was trying to find his love for me but he couldn't since there wasn't any to begin with. He made his decision; he figured out the truth.

He never loved me and he never will.

I felt the truth setting in; I felt its weight crushing my chest.

I could feel rapid streams of tears washing my cheeks. It felt as if a dam had broken and now it was too late to contain the damage. I should have passed out by now but I didn't because still my young naive heart had hope that I was just overreacting- that he would hold me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be alright.

Or than he no longer wanted me. I needed to hear it from his lips.

I needed to know before I let go; I needed him to say it out loud so I could break down without any care about whether or not I might be mistaken.

Standing up from my bed was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I walked on shaking knees to the kitchen- thank God Charlie went fishing with Billy today. I don't know how exactly I made it downstairs without breaking my neck, but I guess I was still in shock over what I had realized and of what was yet to come. I reached for the small cupboard on the lowest shelf- I discovered once while cooking that Charlie keeps alcohol there.

I have a past that I never told anyone here in Forks- not even Edward. I was going to next week, since it would be a special day that stands for a taboo that I have effectively blocked from my mind for so long, a simple fact to acknowledge.

A year has passed since the day he left me; the day he left us.

I hadn't contacted any of them in exactly ten months and 13 days- since the day I landed here on Forks grounds. I never told Edward about the three years of my life before I came here; I told him about my life until I met them, but extended it to overlap those three years I wanted to tell him about them so badly.

The pain was too much to even attempt remembering, but I will pay for keeping my feelings bottled up soon.

I unfastened the bottle of vodka. I vaguely wondered what it was doing in the Chief's or police's kitchen but remembered that the man is merely a human who is allowed to occasionally drink is sorrows.

I needed something strong, I haven't gotten drunk since the day he left; I swore I never would again, but apparently all promises get broken.

Such as his promise- he told me he would always love me- no, I couldn't think like that. I couldn't possibly handle it. I was never a drunk or anything, it was just something that reminded me of the past- a past I couldn't relive- or even acknowledge.

Today I would let all the boundaries I have been building for so long crumble because soon I would follow.

I took a huge gulp. God, it's strong, it burned down my throat the physical ache distracting me for a second. I needed to get back upstairs so I'll pass out on the bed. I needed this today- it's the only way to pass through the day with my sanity intact. He said that he wanted to talk to me and he would drop by tomorrow.

Deep down I knew that tomorrow is the day that will shape my life forever; however long that may be.

Honestly, I didn't think I could survive the whole night waiting. The anxiety will surely drive me into insanity.

I laied down on my bed and tried blocking my mind. Surprisingly, it worked; I have always been good at blocking the horrible memories I had but I never could block Edward.

Apparently the alcohol did the trick- I could feel the pleasant feeling of numbness creeping over me. I welcomed its pleasurable feeling with open arms.

I never wanted to forget Edward or anything about him, however that moment I did.

It was the first time such a thought had ever occurred in my mind and it shocked me into unconsciousness.

_**To Be Continued...**_.

_**Author's notice:**_

_**Hi everyone this is my first fan fiction so please be easy on me. Huge thanks to the beta of this chapter ravenklawbeauty14 …thx so much .For everyone who added my story to their fav lists and alerted it. Thx a million ,you made my day .**_

_**I need your reviews to continue with this baby.**_

_**More reviews = Faster updates**_

_**So please R&R. Thank you. **_

_**Lots of love.**_

_**A.E.**_


	2. The Volcano erupting

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all of its characters and plot all belong to the amazing Stephanie Meyer nothing belongs to me but my plot (except the parts were I burrow SM Plot) and the original characters that will be introduced in the future.**

**Please enjoy: D**

Pain…was the thing that woke me that morning.

Usually it would have been Edward's soft murmurs or kisses.

However, today it was one of the worst hangover's I have ever experienced.

Though yesterday I haven't drunk that much but I guess being away from alcohol that long and then going back shocks the body.

I almost thought I might still be in Phoenix. I almost thought that the Cullens were a fragment of my imagination.

I almost had a heart attack when I thought Edward didn't exist.

I shot up from my bed so fast you would have confused me with Alice in one of her shopping highs.

I looked around through the hideous pounding mammals in my head; I let out a sigh of relief when I realized I was still in my Forks tiny bedroom.

A sigh that was as soon as was released was turned into a muffled scream when memories of last night came rushing back like a volcano erupting ; burning and erasing countries like it burned my heart and erased my identity .

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that it will be over soon but I couldn't let myself believe that.

My poor human heart can't take the unadulterated pain that will surely accompany such discovery.

I just couldn't.

I pulled myself together and stood up.

I blocked everything from my mind and started walking to my shower. I needed to erase all the alcohol's smell or Edward will certainly smell it.

I took my shower, disposed of the bottle -the evidence- and got dressed.

I swallowed two bills to clear the haze then drank two cups of coffee, thanking God I didn't throw up all over the bathroom.

Atleast my body wasn't as light weight as it once was.

I sat on my father's couch and took a deep breath.

I smelt dust, Jasmine-the little garden in our front yard-rain and dad.

I smelt home.

I looked at the clock hung on the wall.

Edward should be here in three minutes. I felt my heart starting to accelerate, every horrible break up line started circling my mind. I almost broke down...almost being the key word.

I took a deep breath and pulled myself together and started walking to my front door. I knew he will be here on time, he always is .By the time I reached it I heard the bell ring.

I rested my hand on the door handle and promised myself one thing.

If nothing happened today and if all my fears were nothing but a teenager meltdown phase, I will tell Edward and all the Cullens everything about my past no matter how hard that will be or what it might cost me.

Even if it cost me Edward...he had to know.

I opened the door, I tried to smile and greet him. I dodn't think he even noticed he just nodded as a reply.

"Let's go for a walk" he suggested in a cold tone or you might call it his usual tone as of late.

He grabbed my hand and started walking not waiting for my reply, just pulling me along.

My insides were burning by the volcano that was leaking some lava , before the eruption. My heart was beating loudly in my ears I was sure he could hear it loud and clear.

Even with all of that, I found myself marveling at the tingling sensation traveling up my arm from where is hand held mine. My hand missed his so badly, it was gone for a week. Far too long.

Out of the blue he stopped and so did I. He let go of my hand quickly as if he was burned by the lava spewing from my heart. My poor lonely hand moroned its loss.

He rested his back against a tree truck and started at me with cold unseeing eyes.

I let out a breath "you wanted to talk. Go ahead."I said.

My voice didn't quiver like my insides were. Atleast I still had my dignity intact.

He took a deep steady breath.

"Bella the Denali Clan came over from Alaska last night, I told you about them before"

I let out a breath I was holding…so that what he wanted to talk to me about. Then why was he being so distant. It still didn't explain anything. I didn't understand.

"Ok so when do I get to meet them?"

"You don't"

Cold so cold, his voice. The lava started to splutter harder. I didn't understand.

"Why? And why did they come in the first place"

He let out a breath as if bored with my ignorance.

"Because I asked them to do so, Bella. As a matter of fact I missed Tanya for a while now and I wished to meet them again after all they are like family to us"

The lava started boiling then. I started to see where this was going. Tanya.

The gorgeous strawberry blond perfect vampire, the one who wanted Edward.

The one he said he never loved or even cared about.

"Oh, why now then? And what does that have to do with us?"

He stared at me as if trying to read me then giving up he said.

"Well after your birthday. I took a decision but the family wasn't as convinced with it as was I, so I contacted the Denali clan to come over and assist me.

They came last night we talked and they approved of my decision and convinced the family and for that I am most grateful.

They were going to leave this morning however I asked Tanya if she would be so kind to stay…..She agreed. The rest of clan decided to stay as well, they can't bear to be apart. They are in the midst of looking for a property close to ours as we speak"

Burning everywhere…so much heat inside me yet I was so cold outside. The volcano hadn't yet erupted but it was itching to do so.

"Oh. I don't understand. What decision?"

He straightened up.

"Bella, I am leaving"

Oh I almost let out a breath of relief but I still didn't understand. I mean leaving would have been expected .Did this means he finally approved of turning me. Is that why his attitude have been so strange of late?

Is he still worried about my soul? I thought I was prepared but Charlie and Renee.

I thought I still had a year. Still I was willing to let everything go, maybe it was just all in my head. Edward still loved me.

I felt a glimmer of hope fighting its ways through the emotional turmoil that was burning my insides over and over again. Still there were too many unanswered questions.

"Then why did the family needed convincing? Why did the Denali's had to convince them. I thought the situation was reversed weren't they were trying to convince you? Besides why now? I thought we agreed upon waiting another year "

He shook his head and started talking slowly as if to a little child willing them to understand.

"Bella, we aren't leaving Forks and I am not turning you. The Denali's are here because I came to a decision concerning our relationship and the family didn't agree but got convinced"

The glimmer of hope as fast as appeared it disappeared as if it was never there in the first place.

"What decision Edward?"

A tiny whisper yet I was sure he heard it as loud as if I screamed it from the bottom of lungs.

The volcano started shaking , shaking my entire body with it .I was waiting in anticipation, waiting for the moment of truth, for the moment that I have been dreading for so long.

Cold, Frigid and Sure came his answer.

"I am not leaving Forks. I am leaving you Bella .You are not good enough for me"

RED, burning, destructive lava gushed through my veins.

The volcano finally erupted breaking my cold yet fragile façade. I felt the heat penetrating the walls I kept so carefully around my mind, melting them to the ground. I felt my heart wailing, breaking yet screaming for my love to take it back.

To take my heart back and weld it together the same way he broke it, into tiny little pieces only visible to his improved vampire sight .

Red all I could see was red. Anger. Pain. Denial .A bloody red haze filled my mind.

I wasn't aware of anything but Edward standing right infront of me. Staring right into my glassy eyes. All my mind could understand was "he finally realized I wasn't good enough for him. Leaving. Leaving me …."His words over and over in my head they repeated themselves. Scalding me once then again.

His lips starting moving as if it was a speech he was reading off a piece of paper. He covered one point and now he is on to the other .A speech, not my life ending, just a few word of information.

I heard his voice through the maroon haze penetrating it like he penetrated every obstacle I have ever built around my mind and heart.

"The family wanted to still be in contact with you however they were convinced otherwise. I discovered what was always infront of me.

Tanya.

We are together now. She will be staying with us as the newest Cullen family member .We don't want to move ,so I hope you do understand how it is very vital that you don't contact us in anyway. It really isn't necessary. I know you will find someone else. You will get along with your life and soon we will leave and it will be like it never happened.

"Us" will be like it never happened.

You will forget .Your human memory is built for such tasks"

Fire ate me up. I couldn't breathe .I just wanted to die.

How cruel is that man infront of me. The man I am in love with. The man I couldn't stop loving no matter what. Tanya, Tanya, Tanya the name kept repeating in my head torturing me. Burning every good memory I have ever had of us, marking her name over my heart in an angry sign of victory.

She had Edward. She always did. He never loved me. He was always hers. All our memories meant nothing. She had him and now she had my heart too. I gave it to him and he gave it away by loving another.

Alice why didn't she come, Emmet where is he. Esme, my second mother I needed her. Why were they doing this to me? I loved them so much I will always love them .How could they be convinced so easily. Was it all a game for them all along? Toy with the human and make her believe that she had a family whom she loved then throw her away and watch her fall apart.

No Edward No. I won't find someone else. No, I won't forget. You will never be like you never existed.

All of that I wanted to scream .All of that I wanted to tell him. All of that I will never tell him. For one simple reason, he made his choice and that choice wasn't me. He didn't have to suffer because I loved him too much. Tanya will be perfect for him.

Like I will never be.

I took every ounce of strength in me to open my mouth but I had to. It maybe my last words to him. It was just a tiny whisper in a small voice I have never heard myself use.

Weak oh, so weak.

But yet again I was weak without Edward. I was no one without him, my life had no meaning. No purpose. No reason to survive.

"I understand. Tell them goodbye for me Edward. I will never forget you, any of you"

"Yes, you will Bella. You will. But promise me one thing Isabella. You have to be careful I am not going to be there to protect you anymore. Promise me Bella"

I nodded incapable of speech at the moment .He nodded and gave me one more look.

Just for one second I saw remorse, guilt and love.

Then it was all gone, and then he was gone.

I fell to the ground yet I didn't feel the impact.

Numb so numb.

I felt tears falling in rivers down my cheeks yet I couldn't stop them nor did I understand their significance.

All I could think about was Edward he left me .Every horrible memory I have suppressed came rushing back. Every wall I have built came melting and crumpling under my feet by the same lava Edward had erupted in me the moment he left me.

The pain was far greater than anything I have ever experienced.

Blood, destruction, black dresses, coffins, death, memories of grief were burning me, tutoring me. The pain was too outstanding for my human mind to comprehend.

Terrified screams echoed through the forest. Loud and frightened .

They shook the trees. They were screams of pain, loss and pure angst.

Terrified from the dark corners of my mind I was.

Yet there was no one there to rescue me.

I was being suffocated by my past and present. I was being suffocated by my mistakes of blocking the past and now everything came back to haunt me and I have nothing left in me to fight back.

Edward was my guardian angel; he was my knight in sparkling vampire skin, my savior.

My angel deserted me in a hell he started its fire.

My haunted angel.

My beautiful perfectly sculptured Adonis is no longer mine.

And fire consumed me and into the blazing darkness I melted.

_**Author's note:**_

_**Hi I am so sorry for the late update I will try to update faster. Please review people…I need some criticism….thx **___

_**Lots of love. Specially to those who reviewed already.**_

_**A.E.**_


	3. Chapter 3 Author's note URGENT

Hello EVERYBODY !

This isn't a chapter,I just really need to know if anybody is reading this.I have a few chapters already written but I don't feel as motivated as before.

So please if you are reading this review,email or alert me,Do ANYTHING just so I know that actual people are reading this.

And for those who alerted me and the three reviewers

( Nano , ForTheLoveOfEdwardCullen , danielle72679 )

you guys made my day.

Love you all.

Ans sry for the long author's note,I promise I won't do it EVER again.

Just press that little green button ;)

Thank you.

X

A.E.


	4. Naive

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all of its characters and plot all belong to the amazing Stephanie Meyer nothing belongs to me but my plot (except the parts were I burrow SM Plot) and the original characters that will be introduced in the future.**

**P.s. Guys I edited the last two chapters , so if you would like to reread them please go ahead.**

**Please enjoy: D**

Time no longer held meaning for my devastated heart.

Every one of life's aspects no longer mattered to me.

A month had passed.

I think.

My memory no longer served me in any way except in torturing me with unwanted yet most prized memories.

That night…..I was told later that I passed out.

I was found by some guy from the reservation he came with Billy's search party. I was also told I had a nervous breakdown. I was also told that it would be easier if I started taking medications I may recover faster, I refused.

My dad told me that the first week was the worst .I was in a comatose state I didn't speak or cry, only numbness that never ceased to exist and in a way it still resides in me.

Where my heart used to be.

Now all that is left behind is an empty gaping hole with rough bloody edges.

Nobody in town knew what was wrong with me. I thank my dad for that. He figured out from the screams I let out in my sleep every night - the only time my subconscious let out my grief -but he told no one. He told everyone I was sick in bed. With God knows what disease he made up.

He couldn't handle me after the second week of remaining in the same state of unresponsive mind state, he feared for my sanity I suppose .I didn't speak or eat or act as a human should, whatever that maybe.

The third week on a windy Sunday I found my mother shaking me awake.

I remember just seeing her face shocked me out of my self-inflicted coma. I remember screaming.

Then wailing then sobbing continuously for another week in my mother's ever so warm shoulder. She had to get back but before leaving she took me to a physcitrist in Port Angelis.

He gave me anti-depressant drugs. I didn't want take them but the look in my mother's broken eyes made my resolve dissolves. He advised consoling; at that point I put my foot down and refused. My mother was happy that I took the drugs that she didn't push the matter any further fearing my relapse.

She talked to me that night. I remember not understanding a lot from what she said but mainly that I have to get my act together for my father.

For the first time in my life I saw how old Renee is.

I realized how much she knew me. She knew that I won't recover for myself but I would for my father.

The forth week I started moving around the house. I ate a little more only enough to keep me alive no more no less.

I took my medications on time; I spoke only when direct questions were fired at me by Charlie or my mother's daily phone calls.

I started existing again, but never really living. My mind was on an auto pilot.

It is now the end of the forth week.

I am more aware now, thanks to the cursed medication.

What happened had settled in my brain. I do get it.

I didn't blame him nor could I bring myself to hate him.

Dad said I have fallen behind too much in school already I had to get back.

I had no problem with school itself I will probably shuffle through it with the same attitude I have at home. Enough to make everyone happy but at an arm's length. Nobody getting too close for an actual conversation.

What terrified me the most. What made me want to disappear or die before tomorrow morning came.

Was the fact that tomorrow I will see all the Cullens at school. What made my body for the first time in a month feel something but grief and numbness.

I actually felt fear.

Fear in seeing him and not running to him and throwing myself at his feet begging him to take me back.

It occurred to me that they knew that I didn't go to school for that entire month because of him.

They knew yet no body visited me, nobody called.

I started feeling pain remembering his parting words. I took a shaky breath then repressed the memory and let the numbness I now prefer and love so much, flood through me.

It is my technique of surviving. A few times a day I would recall a certain memory , a few times a day I would barely hold myself together by hugging myself with me weak arms. A few times a day I take a breath then let the numbness flood me.

I hope by time pain will cease to touch upon me in those most painful moments of my life. I hope numbness will take place of everything and I just exist.

I started to master it, but that was what happened in the day.

The night however I had no control over. Every night I screamed, Every night I cried, Every night I relived every painful memory with every painful detail.

I relived the best moments of my life that now only serve as a terrible reminder of what I used to have and I no longer do.

I sobbed in my pillow every night, I woke up dehydrated in the middle on the night from the tears I let flow.

Now however I learned to put a piece of tape over my mouth every night as not to wake Charlie letting him believes that I have gotten better.

By now I felt thoroughly cried out, I didn't cry in the day anymore save the occasional tear here and there.

I didn't and I still couldn't believe how naive of him to think I might actually forget.

Naive, a word I never thought I will ever use in the same sentence as the name Edward.

But times change, oh how they do.

_**Author's note:**_

_**Hey guys what's up? Here is the third chapter. I apologize for the long delay. They are killing me at uni. I can barely keep up at it is. Thanks to all of you guys who reviewed so far. Also all of you who reviewed my last note. This chapter is dedicated to you guys.**_

_**Lots of Reviews=Faster updates**_

_**Lots of love.**_

_**A.E.**_


	5. Too beautiful

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all of its characters and plot all belong to the amazing Stephanie Meyer nothing belongs to me but my plot (except the parts were I burrow SM Plot) and the original characters that will be introduced in the future.**

**p.s. This is the second chapter I upload today. Such an improvement don't you think? Please leave a review and let me know.**

**P.s. URGENT: This chapter is dictated to my best friend Nanooz who is out of the country at the moment. Get back soon babe. I love you. **

**Please enjoy: D**

I woke up feeling empty.

It was such a great start for an insured horrible day. I was for the very first time in a while feeling fear creeping on me.

I was going back to school today, I couldn't even think of the pain it will bring me. Part of me was anticipating seeing his face and a part of me was dreading it with everything in me.

I couldn't help it though.

I couldn't wait to see him, all of them actually.

I really missed the feelings that his face used to bring me, the high I used to get off of his beauty.

I showered and dressed in a daze, I felt every nerve in my body tingling in anticipation, almost ruling over the emptiness that I was so used to.

A new feeling yet again, both aroused by the mere thought of seeing him again.

It simply terrified me.

I went down stairs; my dad looked up from his newspaper then smiled at me and mumbled a good morning. I could see his happiness, he thought I was improving.

I tried to smile back; the look on his face told me I didn't do much of a good job at it.

I took a bite from an apple and then throw the rest.

I mumble a little goodbye, and go to my car.

She took her sweet time getting back to life, she roared and grunted. Then finally started. I drove in another self-induced daze.

I saw the tiny school building coming into view and like clockwork goosebumps erupted all over my arms.

I almost wanted to turn around and go back home, to my secure room.

But for the life of me I couldn't ,I needed to see him ,I have gone too long without my fix of his beauty.

I tried to remind myself that numbness is way safer than eagerness, that unlike before he wasn't going to smile at me if he caught me starring more like glare.

I swallowed my fear, and parked in the furthest parking lot possible from his their usual parking spots.

A hush fell all over the place, everyone recognized my truck.

I got out.

I felt the numbness taking over. I feel stares on my body .I kept walking, someone stood in front of me, a girl, and she hugged me.

I tried to snap out of it, to answer back but at the moment I was trapped in my mind.

In a moment it finally registered with me that the girl was Angela. But then another girl and then a group of people surrounded me. My brain started focusing and noted all of my old group was around me, even Lauren.

Everyone was talking at the same time; they were asking me what happened.

How was I?

What disease did I catch, if I am still sick?

Lauren didn't ask anything she just she just said I look Like I died.

I probably did, because in so many ways I really did die.

I tried to talk but nothing came out.

I guess my voice was too rusty. When I did answer, my answer came quietly and directly, the dialogue I memorized with Charlie spilled out.

My voice only a whisper from what it once was.

A car zoomed in the parking lot.

Then another. A silver shiny Volvo then a red Jeep.

Every nerve in my body was suddenly hyper aware of his presence, I felt butterflies erupting in my stomach.

I felt nauseated. The whole group fell in a hush, I didn't understand their silence. I tried averting my eyes but it was physically impossible to do so.

I loved him too much.

I stared at his car, my eyes glued to the driver door. It opened as if in slow motion.

My heart started beating out of order, his feet, long lean legs, his torso, and his head.

My heart stopped.

I relished in the perfection that is my love.

He went around the car and opened the other door; I was confused why he was opening the door. A memory of him doing the same thing to me flashes through my brain, pain rushes through my heart eating through the remaining pieces all over again.

I looked closer; he opened the door, a stilleto, a perfectly sculptured long leg, a mini skirt, a torso and then a head.

A beautiful strawberry blond head.

My hearts stopped again but this time from the intense agony not joy.

A face appeared , a perfect beautiful face.

His strong arm went around her thin waist. I couldn't breathe.

For a moment the pain was so intense that my flimsy legs gave away, someone caught me. I couldn't decide who, I didn't care.

I was on my feet again .All my brain could register was that he got over me already, he really did.

Maybe a part of me thought he would be in pain too, maybe he still loved me, and maybe it was all a mistake of judgment on his part or even a horrendous nightmare.

It wasn't, it was reality. A cold harsh unbearable one but one nonetheless.

So fast and he already forgotten, my fear that he really never loved me proved itself accurate .

Pain so much pain it blinded me; I thought I was over it.

I thought I was too broken, that my heart couldn't feel any of it anymore.

I was sadly mistaken.

It took Jessica physically shacking me as I looked at her blindly, to wake me up.

"You didn't know did you?"

I shook my head; I was in capable of speaking. Yet, it was a lie. He told me that day that they were together. I just thought that he will wait.

That maybe he was in even a small amount of pain. I never considered that he might flaunt her in my face like this.

Lauren chuckled and surprisingly it hurted me more than I will ever care to admit

" so, he dumped you eh?"

Again she managed to twist the knife, I nodded.

she chuckled again" well if I could dump you for her, I will"

I agreed with her, Tanya was too beautiful.

I simply couldn't compete with that.

I zoned out again, they talked and walked to class. I walked slowly behind them.

I thanked god they didn't relate the break up to my absence. I didn't think I could tolerate the pity looks.

I shuffled through my classes. I acted mechanically. Taking notes, nodding, acting like an actual human being and not for once did I feel like one.

_**Author's note:**_

_**Hey guys. Do you see this little button please press it. Leave little old me a review. I assure you it will make my day. I am sure it will inspire me into writing the next chapter ;)**_

_**More reviews = Faster updates**_

_**Lots of Love.**_

_**A.E.**_


	6. A slow burn

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all of its characters and plot all belong to the amazing Stephanie Meyer nothing belongs to me but my plot (except the parts were I burrow SM Plot) and the original characters that will be introduced in the future.**

**P.s. Urgent: This is the third chapter I update in a matter of days, it is more of a fill in but important chapter. I had a certain plan for this story then I decided to spice it up a little hence this chapter. It will lead to the next chapter which will be a little surprise. I also changed the rating to M, though it will mostly be for alcohol drinking and swearing.**

**Please after you are done read the A/N in the end.**

**P.S. URGENT . This chapter is dedicated to my best friend Nanooz who just texted me today informing me that she is finally back in the country. This chapter is merely a Welcome back gift, if you could call it that.**

**I love you and miss you terribly. Waiting for your call. Xoxo**

**Please enjoy: D**

I sat alone in the cafeteria my head down, my now long hair around my face in a curtain shielding me from the prying stares of fork's high population. They were sitting on the very other side of the cafeteria the farthest corner away from me.

The Cullens . Once a name that would make me smile, now only a reminder of what I used to have.

Or maybe I was the one sitting away, after all they were sitting in the exact same spot they always occupied. With Tanya replacing me right in my old chair –next to Edward and opposite to Alice.

It was surprising how even the unique color of her hair in my peripheral vision caused so much anguish in my broken heart.

I didn't feel like eating. I was never hungry anymore. I was aware of how thin I became. Yet, again I couldn't bring myself to care. I only had a bottle of water infront of me. I didn't want to faint from dehydration.

Again.

The bump it left on my left hip still caused me immense pain, a welcomed one. A distraction from the constant emotional turmoil that was my life. Fainting at home is one thing, fainting at a school filled with teenagers who take gossip more seriously than school work is another.

I raised the volume of my faithful and constant companion.

My iPod.

I dug it out of my old box underneath my bed. The box that had everything about my old life in Phoenix. It was hard opening it. It was painful, with lots of tears and sobs. I got through it though. When my barriers came down everything was clear again.

I missed them.

I needed some reminder of who I used to be. I needed a reminder of who they were to me. I missed them terribly. I wanted to pick up my phone and call them so badly. I just couldn't, they probably hated me now. It's ok though I would hate me too. He on the other hand I would never be able to reach, he is truly gone.

Forever.

I clutched my hand around the iPod tighter; it was a black mini with an inscription in the back. He bought it to me on my latest birthday. I remember how much I was happy to get it.

I used to love music so much but after he was gone; listening to the things we used to enjoy together became impossible. So the classics became the only safe bargain.

The iPod became a taboo, a reminder to be banished. I did a very well job of it; I erased everything from my life that could ever bring back those memories.

Now however the cat was out of the bag. In my head it was. I rearranged all of my old things in my room, the same way they were in my old room back home.

I cried for him, for them.

I started remembering those little things about him; like how when he laughed so hard the curls in his hair would bounce around his shoulder happily .I missed him more than words could say.

I started this habit of writing him letters then putting them in a small tin box hidden in between my clothes. I wrote a few each day. I made it a routine to finish my homework then write. I told him everything that happed after his death which I liked to refer to as the accident.

Everything with Edward, everything with James and every tiny supernatural detail. I loved him too much to lie to him. Though I knew he will never read them. I couldn't admit that he was gone yet. In my heart he was still alive. Waiting for me back home. My fragile heart couldn't possibly take losing him too.

So I held on, I talked to him in my letters.

Secretly imagining what he would say to me in response. I would smile softly then a tear would fall as a reminder of what I was trying to forget.

However, I didn't start with the letters until a certain incident.

This last week so many things happened on a personal aspect. Besides accepting my past, except that tiny information that I like to pretend it didn't happen -his death-. It felt so liberating to remember and accept my past.

I felt like me again. A broken me but still. The first day back had been quite hard, accepting Tanya and all. The pain was overwhelming.

Everyone kept hovering around me.

It was my own personal hell.

In the middle of lunch sitting at my old table with my old group, with Tanya in my field of vision for one second I just wanted to die.

In the same moment Jasper rotated his head and looked directly in my eyes. I saw my pain reflected at me, I saw his pity. At that moment I swore that I will not let him ever feel it again, I knew Edward could read Jasper's mind. It just never occurred to me until that moment.

The humiliation was like none other I ever felt. The desperation I felt for none of them to know how much power they had over me forced every emotion right out of my system. In a second I put a shield around myself. In a second I was numb again. I saw Jasper's back stiffen but I could hardly care.

I wanted out and I did get out. I stood up in the middle of their conversation and flew out of the cafeteria with their shouts of calling my name trailing behind me.

I didn't care.

The next day anybody who tried talking to me I didn't give them any answers.

I was being rude. I acted almost as if I wasn't there. I was though; I stopped taking my medication the previous day. I was aware. I was almost happy that I could feel with the same intensity as normal human beings again.

I sat alone that day and after shutting everyone down they stopped approaching me. Though Angela God blesses her sweet soul kept passing me shy smiles through the day. They helped reminding me of the good people in the world.

I could have talked to her but I didn't want to put such a sweet soul in my agony.

It was mine. For me alone to suffer through.

That day I saw Tanya kissing him in the cafeteria; it was on the cheek but a kiss nonetheless. It pained me more than I can describe but my shield was firm in place. Though my emotions changed that moment. I started feeling resentment, disdain and anger filter in.

Towards the love of my life.

Bringing Tanya in the equation changed everything, it showed me how none of what happened between us meant anything to him, it showed me the ease of being replaced.

I was angry.

My anger wasn't like a volcano eruption more like a slow burn consuming me and eating me up without my notice.

That day I wanted my best friend. That day I started writing the letters.

Today sitting in the cafeteria, I just had this urge to just go out and do something irresponsible.

I remembered his words, my promise to him that I will be careful. I remembered his promise to me that he will never leave me. Suddenly my decision was made. If he broke his promise, I had no reason to keep mine.

It was my first sign of anger. I wanted to feel something other than pain and anger. I wanted to feel something other than artificial numbness. I wanted to defy him. To go against his wishes, to piss him off. I wanted to feel like I used to back home. I wanted to go out, get drunk and party my ass off.

I wanted freedom. And I WOULD get what I want.

The slow burn had worked itself up. And boy, I was ready for my first eruption.

After all no one was here to stop me.

_**Author's note:**_

_**Hello guys, I wanted to thank everyone who reviewed, alerted or added this story to their fav list. You guys could always make my day much brighter. I had this idea the other day. I am always curious about what people who don't know each other think of each other by only reading what a person wrote. Based on their style, plot and characters. So I want you guys when you review tell me about how old you think I am, whether I am a girl or a guy and where I am from. **_

_**The winner (closest guess) will get the next chapter dedicated to them. And a virtual date with Edward.**_

_**p.s. Nanooz can't participate since she already knows: P**_

_**More reviews = Faster updates**_

_**Lots of Love.**_

_**A.E.**_


	7. Breaking the promise

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all of its characters and plot all belong to the amazing Stephanie Meyer nothing belongs to me but my plot (except the parts were I burrow SM Plot) and the original characters that will be introduced in the future.**

**P.s. This chapter should have been something different but I changed the whole idea recently, I am not very happy with it as in the writing department but I am honestly too lazy to fix it more than I already did. Now I wanted to add some action but it ended being another fill in but I promise a very important part of the general outline. In case it isn't clear I am totally blocked with this fanfic, I have the plot planned but no encouragement to actually write it. So please encourage me. Reviews would do the trick, I swear. Please?**

**Another important thing I would like to dedicate this to my beautiful, crazy ass smart, kind, talented, selfless, oblivious best friend in the whole wide world, happy early birthday Nanoos . I love you darling and even though you are completely blind to how much of an amazing person you are , I am not. You know I don't lie, so please believe me when I tell you that all the above characteristics don't even come close in explaining your true pure incredible personality. Please believe in yourself darling, and stop seeing only the imperfections. You ARE perfect just the way you are. I swear. I will always love you, and I will always be here even if by some freak accident in the future we stopped being friends, I will always be there. Regardless of anything else. **

**Please after you are done read the A/N in the end.**

**Please enjoy: D**

I went home.

Nobody was home, only a note from Charlie saying that he will cover for another guy's shift over the night.

It was the first time I smiled a genuine smile in a very long time.

It seemed like everything was going perfectly, no sneaking out from Charlie since he won't be here in the first place.

I ran upstairs, opened my wardrobe, I had to find something different to wear.

Something like what I was used to wear back home. When we went clubbing.

All my cloths here were very far from that, I looked closer trying to find anything Alice brought me, I knew there were a lot of those clothing articles everywhere.

And for the first time I realized, there weren't. He took everything.

"_Like I never existed"_

His words rang in my head, with the pieces clicking together. If I was angry before, I was livid at the moment.

I started pacing trying to lose the excess anger, I just didn't understand, why would he erase my friendship with Alice? Why the cruelty? I didn't understand.

Then again nobody ever make Alice do what she doesn't want to.

She approved of this, she did this. She erased all of our memories.

A scream fell from my lips, and this time it wasn't pain. It was pure red fury.

How dare she? How dare she leave me like this? I always thought he made them, but who was I kidding nobody can force Alice to do anything against her will. Alice always gets her way. ALWAYS.

Suddenly my vision started to cloud, red spots filling my vision. I was never more livid. I knew what I wanted to do.

The phrase "breaks your promise to him" kept circling my mind.

I turned around and kept checking my clothes again. Maybe I will find anything that will remotely work. I remembered how much I hated how Alive played Bella Barbie with me.

I remembered why I hated it so much; it reminded me of my girls back home doing the exact same thing to me. It was torture.

Then my hands felt something too soft to be one of my sweaters. I pulled it out.

God, how did this slip in here.

It was a small black number, spaghetti straps, sweetheart neck line, and mid thigh.

It was a size smaller than me. It wasn't mine. I bought it once as a gift for _Jade._

Just before all hell broke loose, I never had time to wrap it or give it to her.

God, I really didn't want to think about that at the moment.

I am not sure it will fit, but then again I lost weight.

I stripped quickly and put it on. It fit quite snuggly hugging my curves all in the right places. I didn't lose that much weight. I looked great.

Fine maybe I need to gain a couple of pounds so that my ribs won't stick out like that, but they are no were in sight in this dress.

It was too short, too tight and too sexy for me.

Back home I wore stuff like this all the time because that's how I thought it was normal.

And there it really was, even then though I was very self conscious about myself. But after a couple of drinks things as trivial as how much skin I was showing, didn't matter in the slightest.

I needed shoes, something other than my converse. The whole dress and converse compo reminded me too much of my prom with HIM being my date.

I knew however that I owned nothing of such nature.

I put my converse on with distaste, I still needed money though. I remembered my credit card, from Grandpa David. The one I haven't used since I came here.

I hide it in my dress, I knew it sound utterly trashy but I won't go around with a bag not where I was going.

I grabbed my keys and ran to my car.

_A few hours later_

I drove to Seattle and stopped at a boutique to buy some thigh high black leather stiletto boots that would have made Alice proud. Alice, who left me.

My hand tightened on the steering wheel, driving all of this distance in a truck with this speed almost made me want to turn back. But I finally made it. I drove around trying to find a club that would remind me of the ones back home.

I saw a couple of college students walking toward their cars from a restaurant. They were very expensive cars might I add. If anyone knew where I wanted to go, it would be people like this.

I parked quickly and approached them. Getting used to the heels wasn't a problem; I always tripped in them from physiological issues not true balance issues. Too many memories.

I put on my best flirtatious smile and patted one on the arm and like true idiots their age; some wolf whistled while some cat called, the one I approached turned a round, his eyes popping out of their sockets then attaching themselves somewhere below my neck.

I cleared my throat, so that the pervert infront of me would top ogling my torso so that he can help me with what I want.

"How can I help you?" he said with a shit eating grin on his face. Probably wondering why I singled him out or why I was approaching him. Maybe he thinks he will get lucky tonight. Poor bastard. He is good looking just eighty years younger than my type.

'I was wondering if you have any idea where I could find the hottest club around, I am new here "I blinked at him and looked up from under my eyelashes like the girls back home taught me.

He gulped and nodded. "There is this place called the Underworld, it is the hardest place in whole Washington to get into, very few even know what the insides look like"

Hmm, sound perfect a place like that won't be filled with horny teenagers and petty drinks.

I smiled at him and asked him how I can get there, he gave me the direction. Once he did, I turned around and left immediately. Leaving them gaping behind me. If they thought that I would waste a second with them, they were very mistaken.

The music bounced off the maroon walls. Faint light filtered through the crescent shaped figures in the ceiling. The walls were decorated by tragically placed magnified phrases in black gothic handwriting from different vampire novels through the ages. Everyone was dressed in black. Most of them wore gothic make up. The music that was shacking the walls was either hard rock or metal; all I knew was that the vibrations were doing miracles in improving my mood.

There was a bar on the opposite end of the dance floor. Black marble with blood red velvet drapes and cushioned stools of the same material. Black marble columns were scattered around the club with some of the same drapes connected them together giving the sense of mystery. There was a high chamber to the left, small rounded but luxurious private VIP booth; the whole booth was made of black marble with drapes of black lace and blood red velvet and satin tangled together around it. Making whoever inside unseen.

However they could see whatever they wanted. It almost looked like royalty sat up there. The name of the club was *The Underworld*. Yes I can see the irony. Yes it is a place where vampire crazed people gathers to dance their hearts out. No I really don't care about how many clichés surround this place. It was the only place I could find that had a remotely familiar partying atmosphere to the luxury I was used to back home. The waiting line was blocks long, yet with my little black dress and my sky high fuck me boots and a pat on the bouncers arm. I went right in.

I stood by the bar just taking the place in. A smirk formed on my lips as I watched all of the people around me. They all looked dangerous. I thought it would be a bunch of teenagers playing dress up. I was thankfully wrong. They were in their twenties, some in their thirties. People were scattered around either drinking weird looking red drinks in bizarre glasses or dancing exotically on the dance floor. No one looked out of place. They all looked as if they knew one another as if this was regular occurrence.

I was really doing this; I was probably in the shadiest place in the entire Washington state. There was no better way to break my promise, a little bitter chuckle rose from my chest.

I felt the need for alcohol gnawing at my insides. I walked slowly - my hips sawing to the bar. I took a seat and almost let out a sigh at how amazingly comfortable the cushioned stools were. A young looking gorgeous bartender approached me. He was shirtless and heavily muscled as where the rest of the employees. All of their torsos shined as if they had oil rubbed on them. It was quite amusing what grown men could do for a job. They all wore black tight leather pants with leather bows. It looked almost like strip club attire.

There were no women serving. It was unusual but not strange.

"Hey there beautiful, first time around? "He huskily threw at me with a panty dropping smile. Too bad they had no effect on mine. I have seen what is more beautiful than all of these males put together. I am positive that if there was a worldwide male beauty contests that HE would win hands down.

My suspicions were proven correct that everyone were familiar with each other. The bartender looked taken aback that I didn't respond the way he was used to from female customers. I sighed quietly and answered, afraid that they might kick me out, I don't fit in.

"Yes, I would like a drink please" my voice was polite but not flirtatious as was his. Again he looked almost disappointed that I wasn't engaging him in conversation. Weird, I mean there were many gorgeous women around. I wasn't one of them. Why would he want my attention? Again, I tried reminding myself of how I looked at the moment. I suppose I should be flattered.

"Well darling our menu here is different, all of our drinks are bloody "he threw another smile at me, probably as a last attempt. I really hope that he was joking. Bloody? I mean I get that the like vampires and I saw that the drinks where red, but Blood?

He continued when he saw the mask of confusion and repulsion on my face.

"Oh, don't get your panties in a twist there Sugar. I mean they are all like blood in appearance. It is our theme. They are all original drinks. The owner created them. See there is the death kiss, the bloody afterlife, the undead, undead special, the virgin sacrifice, the staked heart and the haunted coffin"

Weird. Very much so. I have no idea what they contain but I could barely bring myself to care. I just wanted to get wasted. Some of the names sounded creative some were downright clichés but all of them where amusing nonetheless.

"The strongest you have and keep them coming"

He again looked taken aback.

"Are you sure? It is pretty harsh to pretty little things like you "

Hell no, he didn't. Pretty little thing my ass.

" the last time I checked I was the customer and you were the one serving the drinks not chatting me into your bed, so get me my fucking drink " My voice was low, cold and almost scary.

He paled, and took a couple of steps back. Yea, hide your tail between your legs puppy.

"The bloody afterlife, it is ".

I looked around and a satisfied smile stretched on my face. Finally I might actually work my anger out on the dance floor. After I became familiar with all of my memories the need to become the girl I once was overwhelmed me.

"Here you go "

An incredibly tall glass with pointed glass tips decorating it and black painted spider web sprung upwards from the base; it was filled to the half with a thick red liquid. I took a sniff still suspicious that they might have any sort of blood involved. I didn't want to faint in the middle of a place like this.

It smelled sweet with a bitter base. I held the glass cautious of the tips and took a sip.

Damn. It was extremely strong; I could sense the vodka and some other alcoholic beverages mixed together. There was a strawberries base too. I smiled as it burned down my throat; I think I just found my new favorite drink.

I finished the glass in five long gulps. The calm euphoria spread immediately through my limps. A giggle escaped my throat.

A shadow played on my arm, a small crescent shape from the wall above me. It looked like the bite James left me with. The irony was almost laughable.

The night was young and I just got started. The Underworld here I come.

_**Author's note:**_

_**Hello guys, I wanted to thank everyone who reviewed, alerted or added this story to their fav list. You guys could always make my day much brighter. I had this idea the other day. I am always curious about what people who don't know each other think of each other by only reading what a person wrote. Based on their style, plot and characters. So I want you guys when you review tell me about how old you think I am, whether I am a girl or a guy and where I am from. I had this up last chapter but very few people answered and even those they didn't give the THREE facts. So keep them coming **_

_**The winner (closest guess) will get the next chapter dedicated to them. And a virtual date with Edward.**_

_**p.s. Nanooz can't participate since she already knows: P**_

_**More reviews = Faster updates**_

_**Lots of Love.**_

_**A.E.**_


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